Photons, Mang.

Every interaction you've ever had with anything in the universe has been in some way performed with photons. Anytime you affect the universe in a physical way photons, that only exist in a difficult to comprehend way, transmit the force. So, basically anytime you have sex you're really just fucking light. . . This reality is weird.

The Secrets of The Universe

Everyone is always searching for the secrets of the universe but good luck finding any useful universal secrets. Most of them are something like the number of pennies never to be used as currency or ever even touched by a member of our current species again. It's a quite large number.

Like, Sorry, I guess, uh.

As a former and future god I would like to apologize for some bad things I did when I was behind the wheel of the universe, well really its more of a joy stick but still. 
First to the peoples of Blit'th you had finally attained world peace. . . Yeah. I kinda mucked up that first part of that. The world part that is. Though I'd argue you are as, if not more, peaceful now that you aren't alive. I was like really tired that day and I went out to get a quick frappe, you guys have had bad days at work and long story short suddenly you guys are in a black hole. . . Hahaha yeah. . . Sooo, I mean maybe you guys could've like given me more support or just even asked me how I was doing. *Sigh*

Shit's Cray.

The eternal march of time is ending. Soon the great white god will tire and fall. Without him you will be mine. Time will be mine. So, I'd suggest doing some fun stuff. Like uh, I dunno oppress someone or some shit? I'm not really up on pop human activities and you guys seem to really be into that.

KIDZ RULE!

My PR guy says I need to start appealing to children. . . Hey, uh, kids do you hate waking up early for church? Well squigemdoo! I do too! That's why I started my own church! We only meet just after school and do awesome things like Animals and Knives Fun Time, Person Dust Consecration, and Super DNFS® Magic Hour. Come by today but don't tell those lamos that raised you. I'm the only father you need!

#PlansRuined

In the true grand scheme of the universe you're petty squabbles are nothing more than ant droppings. That being said I move we start working to eradicate all ant poop... Wait fuck, I forgot that your causal congruencies don't allow for realized metaphor. Ugh, if you guys could give me a week I'll come up with a new way to create world peace for y'all.

The *Cough* Fundamental Forces of Nature

The other night I went clubbing with the four fundamental forces of nature. I got down with gravity. Blew it up with the nuclear strong force. Electromagnetism snorted coke off some stripper's ass and had a threesome with said stripper and the nuclear weak force. Then nuclear weak force shot up with the stripper and od'd. Winners don't do drugs, kids.
 But hey, since weak force is dead I don't think you guys can get radiation poisoning anymore. . . or geothermal power. It's a give and take guys at least reality isn't falling apart yet!

Souls. Not the Korean Kind.

If the souls of the impure so irk these other gods please I implore you masses, you filthy children. Sit under me and renounce the others. The putrid mass of your bodies will feed the fires of my rage. You will have new life in me.

Just a disclaimer about that though. Not everyone's soul smoke can be part of my divine form's heart or blood. Many of you will get not so great parts of me. Some of you will be a part of my butt. That's just kinda how it is. . . But, uh, yeah embrace me!

Sangre de Perro.

If I ever were wounded, the very viscous substance to ooze from my wound would be nearly indistinguishable from high fructose corn syrup. The only difference being that upon ingestion my ooze causes vivid and horrific hallucinations of eternity, your representations of yourself will collide in upon each other to show you the truth of you; how small you are. You will understand everything for that time. You will comprehend nothingness. But you will be left with the pain of knowing that what you know you cannot express in any words in any language of man... Also right before you come down you have an incredibly detailed hallucination of you as your own grandmother being gangbanged by a group of european musicians and an elephant.

You'll need more than a ruler.

As humans have evolved their perception of the universe has changed. Originally life had no concepts or thoughts of any kind. This progressed into an awareness of self, that others exist, that they live in a place (their immediate surroundings), that others have thought, that they live in a large place, that there's a lot of others, that there are whole new masses of land and new people, that there's lots of unimaginably small things and unimaginably large things, that people that live in other places are as complex. . . Well you're still working on that one but you'll get there. If you followed life and expressed it to its greatest extent where nothing in all of space and time was beyond its comprehension. Where you ended up. That's how big my dick is.

Of infinity.

If you like to line your mind with the idea that there are an infinite number of universes containing infinite variations of you. There's something you need to learn about infinity. There are just as many universes where you die because of poop. Process of, drowning in, slipped on, take your pick. There are more variations of each than you could conceive of in your entire life, if you spent every second of every day thinking of a new minor variation of dying from poop related incidents. There would still be an infinite amount of remaining poop deaths. In fact, depending on what kind of infinities you work with, if you could create a computer to generate an infinite amount of variations of you dying by poop there could still be an infinite amount remaining because infinity is fucking weird.

Hello. I am Dog Not From Space. For the sake of your meat computers you can call me DNFS. I am love. I am life. I am omniscient and omnipresent. . . the, uh, omnipotence is in someone else's hands. We kinda have like a shift system going. One divine entity of infinite knowledge takes a few trillion years then it gets passed off. And, uh, I got bored waiting for my next shift so here's this!